PLAYBOY: I've noticed you love cigars. When is a cigar just a cigar?
GERSHON: When it's lit. I did the cover of Cigar Aficionado, so I'm supposed to talk about loving cigars. I've smoked them a couple of times. My father used to smoke cigars. I love the idea and the concept, and I love the smell of cigars.

PLAYBOY: Do you bite off the end or do you use a cigar bris?
GERSHON: I have a mohel come over with a special clipper. I hold down the cigar and he clips it, and everyone cries.

PLAYBOY: Tell us, to what extent is size important?
GERSHON: Size counts. That's all.

PLAYBOY: Explain the enduring allure of Jennifer Tilly.
GERSHON: She's so damn girlie. It's her voice and her mannerisms. She's just fun to watch. I always find people who are unique very attractive. And I think she's really a character. She is who she is. In fact, she takes who she is to the next level, which I think is great.

PLAYBOY: If you were a cocktail, how would you make a Jennifer Tilly?
GERSHON: She'd be like a cosmopolitan but with rum; something kind of fruity and intoxicating. You don't quite know how drunk you are until all of a sudden you're on the floor.

PLAYBOY: What were the best things to come out of Showgirls?
GERSHON: Love and adoration from drag queens. Drag queens come up to me on the street and can show me the dance moves. RuPaul knew my lipstick color. I was flattered.

PLAYBOY: Do you recommend that women give their boyfriends or husbands lap dances as presents.
GERSHON: Sure, on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be a present, though it makes a nice gift. It's a fun way to exercise and loosen up at the end of the day. It's the gift that goes on giving.

PLAYBOY: On Snoops you play a private investigator. Have you ever been investigated privately?
GERSHON: Not that I know of. The whole point is that you don't know.

PLAYBOY: Is it an honorable profession.
GERSHON: Sure. But in any profession, there's a sleazy side and an honorable side. I'm an honorable investigator. I make too much money for sleaze work. It's the type of operation that's 20 grand just to walk in the door. I don't think that many sleazy people have that much money, or it must be really good sleaze if they do.

PLAYBOY: Is it a good idea to investigate the people you're emotionally involved with?
GERSHON: No. If you don't trust the person, there's a problem.

PLAYBOY: In one article you mentioned you'd like to frolic with friends in a Jacuzzi full of noodles. We can set that up, if you like.
GERSHON: That was a high school fantasy of mine. I had this dream of moving to New York and having a loft with a Jacuzzi in the middle of it. I would have parties where I would fill the Jacuzzi with noodles, people would sit in there and then put their bodies into paint–primary colors to serious deep, deep blue and really pure red–and paint these huge murals. The noodles would kind of loosen everyone up to be free on the canvas. I thought that would be a really fun party. Unfortunately, I never got around to doing it. It reminds me of a Magritte painting, but it would be live-action. You could even make a video of people doing it. It's probably a lot more interesting to imagine though.

PLAYBOY: Do you like to cook or just eat?
GERSHON: Both: I like to eat so much I'm actually a pretty good cook. But I cook mainly breakfast. At night I never get around to it, though I'd like to. I make excellent eggs in the morning.

PLAYBOY: Sexually speaking, can too many cooks spoil the sauce?
GERSHON: That depends what kind of sauce it is.

PLAYBOY: Describe how sexy food is.
GERSHON: It's oral. It's tasty. There are different textures to it. It's satisfying. I don't trust people who don't eat. And I would bet that if you don't love food or enjoy eating, you probably don't enjoy sex that much. I think there's a correlation, because it's just so sensual and primal. Eating, sleeping, fucking–those are primary needs. If you don't enjoy eating, there's a primal instinct that is repressed, and I think it affects everything.

PLAYBOY: Is food sexier when you make it or order it?
GERSHON: Probably when you make it. It's good to get your hands dirty. Anything dirty is kind of sexy. I like the idea of starting off clean and then getting really dirty. There's something primal about that too, because there's an uninhibitedness that goes with it. It's like when you're a kid and play football–you don't care how muddy you get because you're so involved in the moment. You just enjoy what you're doing. I think it's the same with sex and with cooking food.

PLAYBOY: You've described yourself as a roller coaster. Tell us about the ride. Do your boyfriends find it exhilarating or do they hurl?
GERSHON: Oh God, a nauseating ride. Just kidding. My favorite part of a roller- coaster ride is when you're going up and you're slightly scared and really excited. You don't know what's coming next but you know it's going to be good. My boyfriends find it terrifying and exhilarating. If they can't hang on, they get off the ride. You can't handle it, go on the carousel.

PLAYBOY: Those snarling lips. Natural or acquired?
GERSHON: They must be natural, because I'm not aware of when I do it. Sometimes I'll watch a film and I'm like, Oh my God, I had no idea I was doing that crooked thing. I was obsessed with Elvis Presley when I was little. Maybe it's unconscious Elvis, wishing to be Elvis. I have no idea. Maybe it comes from watching my dog. Even when he growls he looks so cool.

PLAYBOY: Your family consists mainly of musicians. Which instrument best describes you? Do you finger it or blow into it?
GERSHON: Probably both. I like blowing instruments and fingering them. Actually, I love playing the Jew's harp, which you do both to. There are a lot of musicians in my family–composers, musicians, managers.

PLAYBOY: You're character in Bound was appealing for many reasons. Do you actually know how to fix plumbing?
GERSHON: Not at all. My mother told me she thought I was a very good actress because she believed the plumbing part. I'm clueless about plumbing. I can barely plug a light into a wall. I'm not proud of this, but I can pick locks now. I'm better at that stuff.

PLAYBOY: You have described yourself as chameleon-like. If we put you on your back and rub your stomach, will you fall asleep?
GERSHON: Depends on who's doing the rubbing. I think I said that in response to a specific question. Someone probably said to me, "You're very chameleon-like." It's one of thos things that gets turned around and makes you sound like an asshole. I think I was probably talking about my eyes, because I blink like a lizard–I don't close my eyes all the way. The doctor once said, "That's very chameleon-like–very lizard-like." I blink like a lizard. Does that make me cold-blooded or just dry-eyed?